'it had to be you' alternate | gone with the wind

It was a moonless night. The dark clouds had taken over the vast expanse of the sky. Darkness all around- like my life. No hope whatsoever.


Walking in circles on my hostel terrace, I was busy thinking and judging my miserable life till now - full of issues, some real, some unnecessary. And I was on the verge of ending it, for once and for all.


I couldn't help but imagine how much one's life can change in a couple of moments.  Everything was going quite okay until I received a call from my parents a few days ago, regarding their mutual decision to go separate ways. Apparently, my Dad who was an affluent businessman and mostly travels abroad had fallen for a British lady, and that was an enough reason to break their bond and my peace of mind. Their legal battles were about to start, and I was about to lose my sleep. That's when my girlfriend Mansi decided to drop the bomb that she too wanted a break in our relationship as she 'couldn't focus on her studies'. Distance is what she demanded, and I was quite okay with it since I knew that she was just bluffing and this was just an excuse for a full term break up before she goes in a relation with Sanjeev - the most handsome guy on campus.  I loved her but wasn't addicted to being with her. I was quite fine without her presence. Okay, fine. I'm lying. It hurt knowing that soon she'll be with someone else and not me. On the other hand, my grades had taken a massive dropping. I was amused how a guy who scored a distinction in his twelfth boards can go down to almost a dropper in engineering. Maybe, that's the beauty of this course.


After a few more thoughtful minutes, I was up for it. Slowly with the help of a broken stool that lay there, I stood on the edge of the terrace wall. I didn't have the courage to look down at death. But I did. As I stared at the red and yellow tiled ground at the far end below, I imagined what'd happen after I go down. The watchman and the warden coming out hearing the thud, students, staff looking at the corpse with suspicion and unclear thoughts in their mind. Whispers of rumours doing the rounds. My roommates- Neil, Aman and Rupesh crying their hearts out as the police officials drag them away from my corpse. Lifeless, without any stress.


But my mind wasn't giving up like my heart. It asked me to stay strong and not to give in to such thoughts. If I could manage till now, I can still manage it ahead. Times may be tough but only the weak give up, it kept on reminding me with the old world quotes. But whom to live for was my question that shut it off. My parents were busy in their fights, my girlfriend just got bored of me and went away, my studies aren't going well either. As I took a long breath before my last jump, it replied: "For yourself. Live for yourself Arjun."


Those words stuck in my mind like a kite trapped in a tree. But it was too late. I had made up my mind. There's no point in living for yourself when you aren't happy with it. But my leap to death was interrupted again, this time by a phone call.

"Goddamit! Should have left it in the room itself.", I murmured as I looked at the screen. It was Gautami. My best friend.


But it wasn't the correct time to converse. I disconnected the call without any further thought, only to be disturbed again with her text: "Please Arjun, I want to talk to you, for one last time." The last few words knocked the sense out of me. This time I picked up her call.


"Hey Gautami, you alright? What's the matter?"


"If things were alright, why would I call you at this time of the day Arjun?"


"Did anyone say anything stupid to you? If yes, just tell me his/her name!"


"Enough is enough Arjun. I'm done with this shit. I'm a human too! Why is everyone hell bent on isolating me from everything? What's exactly wrong with me? Is it the fact that I'm a nerdy first bencher who tops the class? Or is it the fact that I wear old-fashioned clothes? I just don't get the mentality of these people. No one talks to me, no one calls me. People don't even text me for notes. They opt to text Arindham instead. They always pass mean, hatred filled comments whenever I pass by. Am I so unworthy Arjun?"


"Gautami, listen..."


"At times, I don't understand why are you even talking to me? Why do you consider me as a friend? I just don't understand this whole scenario Arjun. You are always around me to comfort me, to make me understand, to motivate me, to never give up..but why?"


"Gautami.."


"There's a limit to everything. I've been used to this behaviour, but that doesn't mean that they'll keep on pestering me with this attitude Arjun. Today as I entered the canteen, these bunch of idiots from our class encircled me and said such awful words to me that I can't even tell them to you. And when I went away from them, they started hurling paper balls at me, with those inappropriate messages to me. One among them read: 'Why do you even exist?'


"Gautami! Just take a chill pill! Don't do anything stupid!",my hands shivered as my hypocritic voice cracked. The cold winds made things worse. My legs were still steady on the ledge, but clearly, Gautami had distracted me off the track.


"Let me speak Arjun. I just want to speak out my mind before I go away, for once and for all. To be frank, I never liked Mansi. She just wasn't the right girl for you Arjun. I had said that. And she proved it by breaking up with you. She always flirted with other guys. You were just his namesake boyfriend, always on the backtrack. Sidelined. And when she left you, you weren't devastated as such. You seemed quite okay and moved on pretty quickly. I'd like to know the reason Arjun. How? Why?"


"I never ever was fully in love with her Gautami. In the beginning, she was my priority. But for her, I was just another option. Although she showed signs of possessiveness at times, I soon realised it was all fake. She just needed a company. That's it. I don't get why she decided to get into a relationship with me. For money? For just showing off that she isn't single? I don't know, and I don't even intend to. Slowly, even she fell down from my priority list. So, it was quite okay with me when she decided to take a break. Now that you have my answer let me know where you are currently."


"Nah, not so easily. You can't avert the end Arjun. But I just don't want any regrets to be with my soul as I depart. So before I go, I just wanted to confess that.."


My heart raced as I got an inkling of what she's about to say. But before I could even think of anything, she had already spoken out the truth.


"The thing is that I really love you Arjun, and it was such a humongous thing for me to stay shut all this while. Even I don't understand how I managed it. The way you always helped me out whenever I was stuck in any problem, the way you always looked to it that I move on no matter how people always isolated me, meant a lot. You are the only reason that I've made it till here Arjun. Your support, your care. But I never found the courage to confess my feelings for you. I feared how you would react to it. I didn't want to lose you. You are the only friend I have. Also, the probability of you being interested in me was low. Like real low. So I decided to be silent about this. Every night, I fought my heart to just go out and scream out the truth. And then Mansi came out of nowhere. And I was shocked when I learnt you agreed to be with her. I was broken by your decision. But my love for you was pure, although unrequited. I didn't give up on you. I never will, Arjun. But I can't help now. The end is near. Bye bye, Arjun. I just hope you'll be..", her voice faded as the train honked.


"I love you too Gautami. I never said it, but the thing is I've always loved you since the day we met...."


There was no reply from her side. The call had been disconnected. I was unsure whether she had heard my words. But I understood her location. I tried calling her back only in vain. Switched off.


Cautiously, I turn back and jump back on the terrace. I run to my room, take the keys of Neil's bike and reach the gate. The warden lets me go with a wry smile since I gifted him just a 50 rupee note this time. As I run towards the parking, I try calling her again, only to get the same reply again.


I scan the long queue of bikes and spot Neil's just near the gate.

I jog my way and start it in a hurry. That's when I see it.

The bike was out of petrol. Perfect. I curse Neil and my luck in tandem and start running towards the station without wasting any time. I knew it'd take at least a 15-minute run to reach the station. I thought about going back to the hostel and asking for someone's help. But I had no time at my disposal.


The road was deserted. The only company I had was that of my shadow, running alongside me. My mind wandered back to the conversation I had with Gautami a few minutes ago, how her one call had changed the flow of events that'd have happened.

How subtly destiny changed the path so that I'd stop from taking that stupid decision, how she confessed her pent up feelings for me. And how I never noticed that she had been into me since months. How I too loved her deep inside but never told her about the same. Life had been such a mess lately that I never realised that the only time I smile was when I was with her or while looking at memes on the internet.


After a few halts in between, I reach the railway station. Panting like a dog for breath, my eyes search for Gautami.

After frantically searching for about five minutes or so, I try calling her. "Please! Please! Just keep your phone alive this time!", I mumbled in anger and anxiety. When I get the same annoying 'the number you're trying to contact is currently switched off' voice, I couldn't help but throw the phone in anger.


I walk ahead and sit on the wooden bench, hopes all dead. Fists clenched in anger and regret, I punch it twice. My mind goes back in time, showing me all the happy-sad moments I spent with her till date. Her smile and exuberance when she was around me were on a different level altogether. And I wasn't ready to miss it forever.


Worried about her whereabouts, I run again with renewed energy and a sense of hope. Something inside me said that she's nearby, and needed to be rescued before she does anything stupid. After checking each and every nook and corner of the station, I spot her at the edge of platform 4. Ready to take the plunge as a train approached.


"Gautami!", I scream in helplessness, as I run towards her.

She notices me, gives a faint smile worth a million words.

"Don't! Just don't do that! Please!", I scream as I fight back the lump in my throat. She turns back, gives me a stare which said 'sorry' and waved a final goodbye, tears rolling down her eyes.

My breathing goes rugged and my heart starts pounding as I knew what I was going to witness.


"I love you Gautami! With all my heart!", I yell out, meaning each and every word.


But it was too late. She had already taken the last leap to heaven.


I go down on my knees, unable to believe what I just saw. My hand's shiver. My heart seemed as if it would explode any second. But the main thing that knocked me down was the bag of regret that I'll carry along for my entire lifetime.


Had she heard my words? Did she realise I too loved her the way she loved me?


True. Pure. Innocent.